If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
