She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
