Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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