Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
