I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
