They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
