Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
