just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
