I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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