I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just had sex on a roof
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
