Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
