This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i now understand why vodka
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
