The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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