Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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