I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
