I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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