so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
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I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
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She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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