Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
