I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
