I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
