Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
