How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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