Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
