I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
