curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
