I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
