If i come over, it means nothing
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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