i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
