the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
