The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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