is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
