I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize