Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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