my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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