Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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