Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
