I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
