If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
