you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
