Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
