I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
