I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
