Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
