You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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