New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
