That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
