I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
