That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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