I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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