are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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