Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
