Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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