I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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