Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
