This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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