youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
