The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
