What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
