This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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